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Jennifer E. Thomas
j3nny3lf
...... .:::.:.:


Waterfalls
It's almost like there are these periods where our relationship is smooth and steady, and then there are times when it's like standing on the edge of this gorgeous, wonderful waterfall and just letting yourself drop, knowing that there's a safe pool of water ready to catch you at bottom. You take the plunge and you're in wayyyy over your head, but oh man, it's exhilarating, it's breathtaking, it's just incredible and you feel better than you ever have before and the water is cool and refreshing and exactly what you needed.

Sam is my waterfall.

- LJ entry from 8/2005





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June 2017
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Jennifer E. Thomas [userpic]
Dolly

Lately I've been hurting one of my oldest and dearest friends very deeply, and I've been too wrapped up in myself and my own crap to pay attention to what I was doing.

This friend, we'll just call her Dolly, as she likes her net privacy, has seen me through some incredibly hard times in my life. I honestly think she knows me better than any of my other friends in any part of my life. I trust her implicitly and have no secrets from her. When I started my affair with my second husband, she was the first person I told. When I asked my first husband for the divorce, she knew before anybody else except Koji and I.

When by a miracle I found my way back to God, it was very much through her efforts and prayers and those of another friend online and a third friend whom I was not in touch with at the time. But the elephant's share of the credit goes to her for simply showing me, by her own life, where I wanted to be. No preaching, no proseletysing. Just being a solid Christian woman and a rock solid example of Christian love.

When she let me know how much I've been hurting her, I started to cry. So damn selfish of me to not notice what my lack of communication was doing to her. And she NEEDS her friends now. Her job and her husband's job are in major flux, her health is troubling her, and I was too caught up in my own bullshit, and talking about my newer friends to notice her sitting there hoping I would start talking to her. Even when she was reaching out to me.

We made it up tonight, but I can't undo the hurt that I've caused her. She gave me a wakeup call I sorely needed.

Please, if I've been marginalizing you, reading this, in any way, let me know. It's not intentional, and I need to know when I'm screwing up, because otherwise I can't make it right.

And now I realize I have another person I need to learn to forgive.

Myself.

I love you, Dolly. Thank you for waking me up.

Again.

Borderline symptom of the day: crushedcrushed
Comments

I think forgiving ourselves is one of the hardest things to do. It is far easier to forgive others than ourselves.

Much easier to forgive others than ourselves. I suspect Dolly understands and forgives you. I also suspect she hopes you learn from this episode. While the lesson may be to forgive and forget, in this you need to forgive yourself, but not forget the pain your actions caused. Learn and determine to do better in the future. Now have a cup of tea and go get some sleep.