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Jennifer E. Thomas
j3nny3lf
...... .:::.:.:


Waterfalls
It's almost like there are these periods where our relationship is smooth and steady, and then there are times when it's like standing on the edge of this gorgeous, wonderful waterfall and just letting yourself drop, knowing that there's a safe pool of water ready to catch you at bottom. You take the plunge and you're in wayyyy over your head, but oh man, it's exhilarating, it's breathtaking, it's just incredible and you feel better than you ever have before and the water is cool and refreshing and exactly what you needed.

Sam is my waterfall.

- LJ entry from 8/2005





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Jennifer E. Thomas [userpic]
Who?

I've been sitting here playing solitaire all night and trying to figure out who or what I am.

Lots of labels. Christian. Wife. Mother. Cripple. Artist (hahaha right). Writer (also hahaha). None of them are ME.

I've basically been a housewife for almost 20 years without break. A few of those years I've worked, but out of a home office, for myself, and didn't make a lot of money at it. And failed miserably with my business, of course.

Before that? Waitress. Barmaid. Cocktail waitress. Retail clerk. McDonalds and other fast food. Short order cook. Nothing that MEANT anything.

I wonder what women whose lives have NOT revolved around their home life feel like. What must it feel like to get out of bed every day and know that you're going to do something in the world that might actually matter to somebody? Scrubbing toilets just does not carry job satisfaction, even if you're good at it, which I am not.

Oh boy. I just figured out where all these feelings of inadequacy and BLAH are coming from. *Self thwap*.

It's been at least three days since I remembered my meds.

I need a Personal Disorganizer, a la Samuel Vimes. A naggy little demon in a box that won't shut up until you say OKAY OKAY I'LL TAKE THE DAMN PILLS.

And just how useless am I?

I need to wake Sam up because I can't open my pill box, my hands are too weak. MEH.

Give me a day or two, I'll be back in the saddle.

But my life still won't have much meaning. I hate being crippled, uneducated, and incapable, okay?

Borderline symptom of the day: blah
Comments

Would it help if someone emailed or called you once a day, to remind you?

Well even if a mother and housewife doesn't effect the world directly on a day to day basis, she DOES effect her family and especially as far as children go. You can't play down the huge task of raising a child well, especially in a world were most of them are left to be raised by the TV. The majority of people around are in unimportant jobs like retail things too. It's not fun to know your job finds you expendable. I sometimes stay in bed all day and nap, and it doesn't matter because I have no real effect on the world.

I have no idea if I'm going to make any sense here, and keep in mind that it's all stuff I struggle with daily.

Meaning is what -you- make, meaning is not something that just is. There is meaning in anything you do, if you put it there. There is no meaning if you don't. I have a college degree, I haven't done much with it, all things considered... I've certainly never had a job in my field. I have, however, had some cool jobs - but there wasn't any more meaning in my life when I worked than when I didn't, even when I did Important Work. Someone else could do anything I did, probably better. The meaning wasn't in the job, it was in how I defined it, and how I defined myself.

IMHO meaning in life is about who you are inside, and that projects out into everything you do... but who you are doesn't define the job you do, so why should that job define you? An asshole is an asshole even if s/he is a lifesaving surgeon who does critical surgery daily. Lives are saved, but like I said before, someone else could be the same surgeon and do the same job... their attitude doesn't change the manifestation of their job.

You won't necessarily be more fulfilled if you have a job, or a "career"... if you're not fulfilled inside now, an education and a job won't fix that. Give YOURSELF meaning, and what you do will have meaning by virtue of that.

Like I said, this is something I struggle with too... but my struggles are more "am I a good enough person, do I behave correctly, do I make other people happy, etc." because those are the ways I define myself.

Edited at 2009-05-07 02:09 pm (UTC)

I read one of your responses, and the most I can say, is "STAY ON YOUR MEDS". Yes, *I* think you are a good person. Yes, you have some physical limits, we all do in one way or another. Personally I am having a bad hair life, but we deal with Life as it comes at us, and do what comes next. Sometimes that is all we can do. Do what comes next.

Now, how 'bout a pot of tea?

who?

*I* know you are a good person, and I sometimes think you understand me better than anyone. You are my friend and ally.