Bubbly Backwash

I need to make a record of this somewhere, to remind myself with, so here it is. Unedited paste of some messages I sent to the wonderful women who take care of me and my house (Cortney Caison and Kelly Martin).

girl, i appreciate you so much
You sent Today at 4:48 PM
both of you
You sent Today at 4:48 PM
it's so much more than the housework
You sent Today at 4:48 PM
it's the being with friends and laughing and gossiping and all that
You sent Today at 4:48 PM
i haven't had that for a very long time, mainly because sam did not like visitors coming over.
You sent Today at 4:49 PM
so i tried to limit them coming
You sent Today at 4:49 PM
month or more would go by where i wouldn't see anybody but family
You sent Today at 4:49 PM
jesus christ, i was barely alive in so many ways
You sent Today at 4:50 PM
i don't want him back, when i really think about things
You sent Today at 4:50 PM
emotionally yes
You sent Today at 4:50 PM
logically, hell no, never again
You sent Today at 4:50 PM
fortunately i try to let my head rule my heart.

I bought a great new journaling book, mostly blank lined pages, but with a short writing prompt at the top of each page and a quotation on the bottom to think on while you write.

So I am starting it later tonight. Because of my arthritis, using a pen for long just is no longer feasible, therefore, I will be posting the prompts and the quote and my journal entry here each time I write. Welcome (again) to Jenn's Wild Ride.

Also, Zeecha, are you on FB? Please friend Jenn elfi Thomas!

I just drew my witches runes on a past/present/future drawing.

Got: Man, all things masculine for the past

Crossroads: Important juncture for the present

And the Sun, abundance in all things for the future

So basically, so long husband, hello change, it's going to go well.

That was a really good draw!

Sam will be back Wednesday night for two weeks to pack his shit and leave my life for good.

I am terrified that I will utterly lose my shit while he is here.

And no, I can't have him stay somewhere else, it's just simply not feasible. It would be MORE hassle to have him at one of my other kids' homes in Denton, because he won't have a car and that means Lis will be on the road to Denton for a total of three hours a day between getting and delivering him, and taking and getting my brother from his job.

And nobody has money for a motel. He has money for a U-Haul. And not much else. And I'm certainly not financing this bullshit.

I have a camping cot that his fucking mistress gave me a couple years back, and that's what i'm setting up for him to sleep on, with the worst pillow in the house and one blanket. He is not welcome here, and he will get ZERO incentive to either stay, or ever come knocking on my door again. He cut the bridge in half. I am burning the motherfucking bridge DOWN.

How is it possible to be so angry at a person and know that you can never forgive them for hurting you so deeply, yet still love them unconditionally? It's so disordered and messed up. Is this NORMAL?

Today, I woke up so down in the dumps I almost asked a judge to change my name to Eeyore.

Then I got to my desk, and there was a card on my keyboard from my friend, Penny Prigge. Adorable pic of four puppies on the cover.

Inside, the most uplifting, heartwarming message I can remember reading in a very long time, if ever.

"Jenn, I know you are going through a very tough time right now. At times I'm sure it feels like you are all alone. I want you to know that there are some similarities to your story and mine. I understand to some degree what you are going through. Bexause of that, I also know the importance of feeling like we are being heart and that someone cares. I want you to know I hear all the thoughts and feelings you are expressing. I care about you and what you are having to go through. I'm excited to watch you stand up for yourself. You are strong! You are loved! Love and Prayers, Penny"

I tell you folks, I cried, but they were GOOD tears.

Jenn elfi Thomas <j3nny3lf@NOTMYEMAIL.com>

4:43 PM (35 minutes ago)

to Samuel

Remember how we always said that it's not 50-50, it's 70-30 or 60-40 etc, and the one who could handle would pick up the extra?

Except I was always picking up the extra. Over the course of our time, you consistently did 10% while I did 150%.
And for that, I can never forgive you, among others.

--
Jenn

Seventeen years. Gone in the blink of an eye.

How many times did he say clearly "I don't love you," in his words and actions toward you? You deserve more than words.

Affirmation I told myself today.

Everything is going smoothly today. Cortney and Kelly are here, working on my kitchen and living room. Everything is getting clean and organized in this house, and can I just say, Sam should be fucking ashamed that it ever got to this point, when he was PAID by the state to clean his own damn house, and he just laid in bed all the time, moaning and groaning.

I'm pretty much over him, there will be pain, of course, but yeah. He flat out neglected my care, which he damn well signed on for, he knew I was disabled from day one and couldn't do a damn thing for myself.

So yeah, I guess I'm pissed off today.