He's sleeping like a baby tonight. Most nights he's restless, moving around a lot. Not tonight. Tonight just slow and steady breathing, and the occasional roll-over. I love it when he rests this well. Makes me feel good.
He does this weird hand dance most nights when he's asleep. Out like a light, and his arms will rise up and his hands will slowly twist and turn and rotate on his wrists, his fingers fluttering in some strange ballet. It's the strangest thing I've ever seen a sleeping person do, and I find it incredibly charming. Those little quirks that make somebody unique.
The good stuff. Things like that are the good stuff.
The quiet snores. The twinkle in his eyes when he makes a terrible pun that makes me want to bury my head in the sand. The way he wraps his arms around me when he's rock solid asleep, making me feel like I've never been so safe, will never ever be safe anywhere else but in his arms, his arms, his strong, gentle arms.
We're coming up on four years now, and I am more in love with him than ever. Yeah, there's been some rough patches. I've been tempted on rare occasions to go running back to California, live with Renee, hide for the rest of my life, but we weather that shit through, because that's what a marriage is about, it's about getting through, pushing through, riding out the shitty weather together.
Because love isn't an accident, folks. It's a choice, and it's a choice you've gotta make every single day. When he does something that really pisses you off, or when you feel like she's not giving you the attention you need right now, you have to CHOOSE to continue to love this person, because, no matter how pissed off you are RIGHT NOW, tomorrow you're going to look into that person's eyes and see a certain tenderness, or a vulnerability, or a spark, and it will bring all of those feelings of adoration, of tolerance for human foibles, it will bring that stuff right back to the forefront.
This is something I never really understood until I met him, that it's a choice. It's not hormones. It's not something we have no control over. Love is a choice. And we can choose to love or we can choose to forget that love.
I choose to remember. I choose to stick it through. I choose to love him, even when I want to wring his neck. I choose to love him in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, in addiction and in sobriety, for as long as we both walk this green Earth. May we walk it for a very very long time to come.
And I don't run at the first sign of instability or trouble. I stick. I choose to stay, I choose to make it work, I choose to love him.
Because, oh man. When it's good, it's so damn good, and there's nothing finer, nothing more desireable in the world to me than to be with him, just sharing the same space. And we help each other, we make each other more complete, more stable, more sane, more.. just more.
June Carter Cash wrote "Ring of Fire" about falling in love with Johnny Cash, and how his drug and booze addictions made that shit HARD. Somewhere in there, June made the choice, the fucking HARD choice, and trust me, I know how hard that choice is, I made it myself, to love a man with addiction issues and other head problems. It sure paid off for June and Johnny. They were married for 35 years, until she died with Johnny sitting by her side. Johnny lived less than four months after her death. And I believe that on some level, that was a choice, too, that when she died, he didn't want to live any longer, and he faded away.
Loving him is, for me, like living in a ring of fire. It burns hot and high, and powerful, and I couldn't get out of it if I tried.. and I wouldn't want to try.
Loving him is my choice.
Love is a burning thing
and it makes a fiery ring
bound by wild desire
I fell in to a ring of fire...
I fell in to a burning ring of fire
I went down,down,down
and the flames went higher.
And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.
The taste of love is sweet
when hearts like ours meet
I fell for you like a child
oh, but the fire went wild..