Jennifer E. Thomas (j3nny3lf) wrote,
Jennifer E. Thomas

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Learning to fly again...

I woke up early this morning with him beside me, looked over and saw him there, looking like a sleeping angel. He reminded me of Scott. When he's asleep he looks just like Scott. Kind of scary. He looks very different IRL than he does in his pictures. Nicer looking, really. Cute as a button. Gorgeous eyes, very expressive. Cupid's bow mouth. Nice nose. Small ears, close to the head. Lots of hair that goes every which way. I know where Owen and Kyle get their curls from. Ken and Guthrie look the most like their Mama, Owen and Kyle favor their Papa most.

I've seen pictures of Kara now, and the person who said I look like her has her head so far up her ass she couldn't see the light if I pushed a halogen flashlight up there for her. Kara was a lovely woman, and as totally opposite me in looks as the day was long. I am an attractive woman too, but we are entirely opposite types. The only physical characteristics we have in common are that we are both big girls, with the proper number and type of body parts. We also both have excellent taste when it comes to choosing men named Sam. I think that I would have liked Kara. I hope that she would have liked me. I hope that she would have approved of me being part of the lives of Sam and her boys. I will try like hell to be worthy of them.

Yesterday Koji drove us up to the City and we showed him around some of the better bits. Drove through the Haight, across the Golden Gate Bridge, up the Marin Headlands, over to the Ocean, up to Fort Funston to see the hang gliders, except something triggered me big along the way there and I had a borderline episode and while Koji and Amy went to check that out, Sam stayed in the car with me, soothing me through it, bringing me back from the Twilight Zone. I had totally checked out. I don't even remember getting to the place. Only reason I know we went there at all is we were driving away and I spotted bundled up hang gliders on car roofs. Last thing I remember before that, really, is seeing these guys doing this thing at the beach on these surfboard things with these giant sail/kites, parasailing or paragliding or something like that. I gotta get my body back. I WANT to do that. I don't care that I am almost 40 years old. This is what I want to do. It looks like rapture to me.

Came home. Curled up around each other. Sam called the kids. Snuzzled. Made love. Snuzzled. Slept. I had a nightmare this morning that I and A told the kids that I hate them. Sam woke up when I woke up shuddering and promised me it was just a dream, that it wasn't going to happen.

I know A would never do such a thing. I don't know that what's his face wouldn't. I don't think I'll ever see the kids again, though. I know I'll never see Cana. What's his name will never cut loose of her, not even for the five minutes it would take for me to give her a pat on the head and a hug around the neck. He took her over as soon as we got her for me, just like he took over everything else that was supposed to be mine. Birds, dogs, friends. And he wonders why I feel so hurt, acts like I have no reason to be. Cana is one hell of a symbol of just how fucked up things really got.

HE colors this week Dark Grey. Once again I had to ask him a server question, and so I called him and asked and he bitched me out "You couldn't figure that out for yourself?" No I, I'm sorry, it's Solaris, and you know that I don't know diddly about Solaris, and you never did make me the cheatsheets you promised me for the Solaris box. You never replaced the cheatsheets for Seabrook, either. Not that you care, but hey. Dark Grey. Nice color. I'm learning how to dither all that black and white into shades of grey. Amazing how when I is involved, so often it's a mighty load of black mixed in with just a little white. And I am back to biting my nails, worrying if I will have my alimony on the first. Betcha I don't. Supposedly he's going to be mailing me checks from now on. Of course, I have no bank account to cash them in. And I also have no MSA, and he isn't coming over here to get it signed and notarized, apparently. Lucky him, he's off the hook, isn't he? Served me the divorce papers, got me to accept them, and doesn't have an MSA to file. Good one, I, I'm impressed.

As Kurt Vonnegutt says: So it goes.

Recipe for a potentially joy filled family life:

Take one sad, widowed Texas gentleman, math geek, committed in many ways
One cracked and broken California woman, discarded like used toilet paper
Six children ages 5-23 years old, in varying stages of maturity not related to their relative ages
Stir until well blended, add growing pains, moving issues, grad school angst, money woes, mental illnesses, and in-law issues
Bake until golden brown, curly haired, freckled, musical, pokemonned to death, meowing, woofing and giggling.

Baby, don't understand
Why we can't just hold on to each other's hands
This time might be the last I fear
Unless I make it all too clear
I need you so (oh)

Take these Broken Wings
And learn to fly again, learn to live so free
When we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up and let us in
Take these Broken Wings

Baby, I think tonight
We can take what was wrong and make it right (mmm)
Baby, it's all I know
That you're half of the flesh and blood makes me whole
I need you so

So take these Broken Wings
And learn to fly again
Learn to live so free
When we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up and let us in (ya ya, let us in, let us in)

Baby, that's all I know
That's you're half of the flesh and blood makes me whole (ya ya ya ya, ya ya)

So take these Broken Wings
And learn to fly again, learn to live so free
When we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up and let us in

Take these Broken Wings
You got to learn to fly
Learn to live love so free
When we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up for us and let us in (ya ya, ooh)

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