Jennifer E. Thomas (j3nny3lf) wrote,
Jennifer E. Thomas

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People are strange when you're a stranger...

When you're in the middle of a nervous breakdown, you do crazy shit.

Back in January, when I was in Peninsula Hospital, right after I got notified by the hospital social worker that Isaac was leaving me, that he was never coming back (great way to learn your husband doesn't want you any more, through a cold and impersonal social worker person), that he was, in fact, leaving me for one of my closest friends, I was so fucking hurt I lashed out all around. I called the Residential Treatment Facility that my friend's foster daughter was in and told them that perhaps they should do a home study because maybe this wasn't a great place for the girl to be going for visits at this time. They had already anticipated my call and let them know a loony broad in a psych ward would be calling, so there was no damage done, of course.

So today I wake up, 6:30 in the morning, to an email from my soon to be ex husband. He doesn't like that I'm writing my feelings about him in my LJ. And he says maybe I wouldn't like it if he tells Sam some things about me. Like the fact that I called the foster child's RTF. Emotional blackmail, in other words. I respond, inviting him to tell Sam whatever the hell he wants to, because there is nothing about me I haven't already told Sam, or if there is, it isn't because I am concealing it, it is only because I have either not gotten around to it or have not thought to mention it yet. He does not quite get it yet that I want Sam to know everything about me. All of it. Good, bad, ugly. Every last detail. He also blames me for what other people are writing in their LJs about him, their own personal feelings and opinions about him, feelings and opinions they have held for a very long time. Like I have control over this. I don't control other people's minds or keyboards or LJs. And he is telling me I agreed not to write angry feelings about him in my LJ, which is garbage. We agreed not to make pissy comments in each other's LJs, but what we write in our own LJs is our own fucking business. Nobody can tell me what feelings I am allowed to express in my own diary that I pay real money to maintain.

And Sam loves me in spite of it all, because Sam sees something that Isaac never saw. Sam sees the Jenn who is on the downhill slope of the skiing hill. I climbed my damn mountain, and it's all downhill from here. I'm healing. I'm getting better. And whatever emotional blackmail people want to throw at me can't hurt me, because I have nothing to hide any more. I'm open and I'm honest. I'm not hiding. I'm right here, this is me. Not a bullshitter. Just me. And if Sam hears something from what's his name that he can't accept, and it chases him off, then Sam isn't the right man for me, is he? It would hurt, but I would be able to live with that, because my life is not dependent on one man's approval or disapproval of me any more, and it never will be again.

When the runt left me, I thought that I could never survive it. I didn't want to. I tried to die two separate times, and nearly succeeded both times. Nobody will ever hold that kind of power over me again. Nobody SHOULD. That is beyond unhealthy and clear into the realm of insanity. I was so sick that I allowed life and death to be ruled over by the love or lack thereof of one man. I shunted living aside. I shunted my child and my family and my friends aside. I shunted my health and wellbeing and personal needs as far as social network and support went aside. And I didn't have any clue that I was sick. That I was so sick inside my head that the love I was feeling for him was the biggest and most obvious symptom of my illness that I carried. It was the most dependent, sickest love there was. "All or Nothing, Absolute Black and White, All Good or All Bad, Cinderella Story, Hero and Heroine, Fairy Tale Story" love. The fact that either of us survived it at all is a fucking miracle, and it is to both of our credit that we aren't both blithering idiots drooling and babbling incoherently as a result of eight years of it.

But I think it is now evident that he and I can never be friends. And that sucks. Because no matter what he wants to think about me and my motivations in life, I do love him. Not as a husband. I wouldn't take him back if we were the last two people on the planet and I would die if I didn't get a penis in me _right now_, and he wouldn't want to come back. He broke that trust in a big way, and continues to break it every time he offers more blackmail. First with threats of CPS calls ("What would CPS think of a 13 year old girl spending unsupervised time with a mother recently out of the mental hospital?") and now with "What would Sam think about you calling the little girl's RTF back when you were in the middle of a major nervous breakdown?" And I've learned from Sam what an adult love is about, and having experienced that now, there is no turning back to something that is less than good and uplifting. There is no turning back to the degradation and shame of the past.

Even so, I wanted to be his friend. I really did. I wanted the kind of relationship with him that Koji and I have. The easygoing brother sister thing that we've worked out. The "Hey Jenn, dance with me, it's my wedding day, I love you!" The "Hey Koji, this is Sam, my beloved, please like him?" The "Let's get together and hang out as an extended family and share laughs and joy, because this is what it is about, not about old stupid bullshit, it's about NOW."

Oh well. I stand by what I said the other day. I hope to God that the twig and his ladylove find happiness together. I really, honestly do. God knows, they both need some. The kids need some. I agree with my Uncle, love built on destruction is unlikely to last, but I hope that for the sake of the kids, they beat the odds. The kids have already been through enough shit.

Oh once upon a midnight dreary
I woke with something in my head
I couldn't escape the memory
Of a phone call and of what you said
Like a game show contestant with a parting gift
I could not believe my eyes
When I saw through the voice of a trusted friend
Who needs to humor me and tell me lies
Yeah humor me and tell me lies
And I'll lie too and say I don't mind
And as we seek so shall we find
And when you're feeling open I'll still be here
But not without a certain degree of fear
Of what will be with for you and me
I still can see things hopefully

But you
Why you wanna give me a run-around
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up
When all it does is slow me down

And shake me and my confidence
About a great many things
But I've been there I can see it cower
Like a nervous magician waiting in the wings
Of a bad play where the heroes are right
And nobody thinks or expects too much
And Hollywood's calling for the movie rights
Singing hey babe let's keep in touch
Hey baby let's keep in touch
But I want more than a touch I want you to reach me
And show me all the things no one else can see
So what you feel becomes mine as well
And soon if we're lucky we'd be unable to tell
What's yours and mine the fishing's fine
And it doesn't have to rhyme so don't you feed me a line

But you
Why you wanna give me a run-around
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up
When all it does is slow me down

Tra la la bomba dear this is the pilot speaking
And I've got some news for you
It seems my ship still stands no matter what you drop
And there ain't a whole lot that you can do
Oh sure the banner may be torn and the wind's gotten colder
Perhaps I've grown a little cynical
But I know no matter what the waitress brings
I shall drink it and always be full
Yeah, I will drink it and always be full

Oh I like coffee
And I like tea
I'd like to be able to enter a final plea
I still got this dream that you just can't shake
I love you to the point you can no longer take
Well all right okay
So be that way
I hope and pray
That there's something left to say

But you
Why you wanna give me a run-around
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up
When all it does is slow me down

Ooh you
Why you wanna give me a run-around
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up
When all it does is slow me down


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